Why Do I Feel So “Off”?

As women, some of us feel that we need to be strong all the time. I know that in cinema they give that job to men but in reality it is truly women who are foundations of many families and relationships. Mentally strong women can be confident, productive, optimistic, proud, strong in her beliefs, true to herself and still caring and loving to her friends and family. I grew up with an erratic, emotional and broken mother. That made me want to be a more stable, mentally strong person.

image from: https://des.az.gov/files/superwoman-shadowjpg

At the young age of 9, I was my mother’s interpreter for everything legal, medical, social, etc. She struggled with English while I conquered the spoken part in just a few months. Kids are so flexible like that. Even in her last days on earth, she had not learned to read or write well and her accent was still very thick. I realize years after her death that she had a tragic life full of abuse and hardship. It does not excuse who she was but I understand her better.

I am writing a memoir through Amazon that I hope to publish by October. Through my writing I’ve had a chance to look at my life and I realize the last 10 years especially has been an emotional roller coaster. I connected with my birth father’s family only to find out my father had already passed away. I met my sweet uncle – his brother – bonded with him only to lose him to old age/death in less than 5 years. My sweet Daddy was diagnosed with cancer and my sister I took care of him until he passed away. During the middle of that, I find out my mother had a baby boy before me who was given up for adoption. So I gained an older brother. On top of all that I am going through menopause (which I have decided to call Bendii Syndrome like the Vulcans).

https://www.trekcc.org/1e/index.php?cardID=722 (yeah that looks like me most days)

So, you know what? It is no wonder I am feeling so “off”! A dear friend of mine and I were on FaceTime and she was the one that made me realize what a roller coaster I have been on lately. Sprinkle in 4 years of a president that was not in my corner, the pandemic and now Asian Hate and well – it is not a normal time is it?

While I have been mentally strong for most of my life I think I need to forgive and love myself for not being strong right now. It was easier to be mentally strong when I was younger and full of piss and vinegar. We are all capable of being mentally strong but we are also allowed to wallow in pity now and then and stop and lick our wounds. I am lucky to have some really loving, strong women friends who are very supportive. I am thankful to them.

Thank you April, JoAnne, Bonnie, Aga, June, Renae, Virginia, Sarah L., Lara, Kim, Judy & Diana for lending your ear when I needed it and showing me that I am human. I appreciate how all of you love me and do not judge me. Thank you for being patient while I go through a metamorphosis. Thank you for sharing YOUR struggles and journeys – I learn a lot from your experiences. I must love myself enough to know that navigating through life is not easy and it is okay to feel weak and “off” at times.

Published by bridgey1967

53. Funny. Non complacent. Loving but not a sucker.

3 thoughts on “Why Do I Feel So “Off”?

  1. What a heartwarming post! You sound like you have been through a lot of mental anguish in your life. I also grew up in a home with a huge language barrier and often found myself translating English to my parents, it’s an interesting way to grow up really fast as a child. I’d be interested in reading your memoir when you finish it! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have indeed had my fair share of mental anguish but I had a strong grandmother who taught me to self heal and I see a great therapist every month. Once I learned self love it was very helpful. Always love yourself. Thank you for your interest in my memoir – those are encouraging words! I hope to publish in October.

      Liked by 1 person

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