Santa Is A Creeper

Look, I know you grew up with this holly jolly grandfather type who made you so happy by bringing you THE IT toy of the season. I know your parents went out of their way to make boot prints in the snow, take a bite out of that nasty cookie you made so it looked like Santa ate some and maybe even put raisins in the yard and told you that was Rudolph’s poop. But the real truth is, your favorite holiday man is a total creeper.

I move to the US when I was nine years old. We did not have Christmas where I lived from 1967-1976. I mean there was a tree here and there on military bases but the South Koreans had not adopted any of the Christmas stuff you guys have been fed all your lives. Here me out before you click away. Imagine what it is like for someone who has never grown up with Santa.

I just conquered the English language and my first Xmas holiday rolls around and my “aunt” sits me down and explains Santa to me. What she said and what I heard were probably a little different. This is what I heard: “Yes, the man is old. You must sit on this strangers lap and whisper into his ear all your secret desires. Then, later, on Christmas Eve he breaks into your house late at night. No one is alarmed. In fact he is encouraged to come in. Sometimes people leave him food to eat. I’m sure he has food at home but this is just tradition. No he does not come in through the front door, he climbs down a dirty chimney like a thief. He is fat and his face is flushed. No, dear he has not been drinking. Yes, reindeer can fly only on Christmas. They do not break the roof. They are magic and light not heavy like other animals but they are indeed real. He peeks in on the children while they are asleep. Don’t be afraid he will not hurt you. If he deems you worthy he will give you presents. If he does not, you could get coal, a whipping stick or nothing. Don’t cry, I’m sure that the bad children still get something from their parents. And oh yeah, he’s white. Wait, what?” See what I mean?

I promised myself if I ever had kids I would not expose them to this horrid tradition and they are just fine without Santa. They have never ruined anyone else’s Christmases and when their friends are old enough and reveal they learned the truth, my daughters tell me and an alarming number of them resent the parents for the lies they were fed. The ones that figured it out really early kept up that ruse because they really wanted that XBOX 2, 3,4 etc and were afraid they would not get it because only Santa brought the expensive stuff. So they learned to lie and deceive. Only a couple said that they thought it was fine because it was “holiday magic”.

I am sorry if I ruined Xmas for you but please consider if this man was ANYONE other than Santa how you would feel about him having your child on his lap with his hand on your child’s back or head, him stealing into your home and judging your parenting skills. Come on, you know it, I know it – SANTA IS A CREEPER.

Published by bridgey1967

Loyal. Funny. Sensitive. Loving.

3 thoughts on “Santa Is A Creeper

  1. I agree with you! And I think that was a good description of Santa by your aunt: “No he does not come in through the front door, he climbs down a dirty chimney like a thief.” 🙂

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  2. I never thought of him that way. I always was happy to go see him at the store. I guess I was lucky because he always was nice to me and for a few minutes I felt ‘seen’ by an adult man. My dad was not nice or attentive to me.
    At all.
    I also knew he came in by doors because I lived in Hialeah/Miami and there were no chimneys.
    I mean – my mom let Jehovah Witnesses in the house, so why not this guy who seemed nice and gave out toys?

    But let’s be real, what average intelligence kid is going to question the science and logistics of a nice guy bringing you stuff once a year?

    By the way, I have always had “sucker” tattooed on my giant forehead.

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    1. I love it! I am glad to know Santa brought you joy. There is always another way to look at things. We did not have a fireplace in the mountains so I was tasked with going out in the freezing cold at night and making santa “boot prints” on the porch. That is where he left all my baby sister’s gifts. I then sat in the basement shivering while she squealed in delight. Good thing I loved that kid. LOL

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